


slow motion

by roboticdisposition



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Anal Sex, And James likes it, Blow Jobs, Lots of alcohol, M/M, Mr 'no homo' Marriott, Sexuality Crisis, Snogging, and then they snog, and they keep snogging, but hes not gay, but they fuck, dont really know what happens here, oh and alcohol, so like, thats it thats the fic, then he realises oh shit maybe i am gay, we love a good sister snog
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-16
Updated: 2019-03-16
Packaged: 2019-11-19 02:01:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18129479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roboticdisposition/pseuds/roboticdisposition
Summary: Air stood heavy for a couple of seconds before James broke it again, “This whole kissing thing… I’m not gay, you know.”Alex frowned, “Bit gay really, snogging your mate.”“No it’s just - mates,” James stumbled for words, blaming it on the drink, “Mates being mates, right?”--It wasn’t just mates, James suddenly realised. Panic setting in, something rising in his throat. It wasn’t just mates.He wasn’t gay, he thought desperately, although perhaps wanting this - wanting him, was a bit. James couldn’t think straight, everything blurring, feeling fuzzy as the world spun.It wasn’t just mates, James repeated. This felt heavier than that - something unsettling under the surface, something threatening to rip his chest apart. He wanted this.





	slow motion

**Author's Note:**

> hello hope ur all well, i'm gonna be honest idk what i've wrote here but its major soft hours for james, this started with his fucking 'its not gay if u drink' then his whole no homo streak everywhere and then this happened but it took me ages but i think its done now so i hope u enjoy thank u

“Where did all the fit lads go tonight,” Alex moped, swirling his drink around with his straw. “Not fair, is it?”

James sighed, he’d heard it twice before, but if Alex felt the need to have the chat for the third time, then so be it, “Shame mate,” he patted him on the shoulder, “Your fist will be lucky instead tonight-”

“That was uncalled for,” Alex pouted, hand running through his hair for the hundredth time.

“Not wrong though,” James laughed, draining the rest of his glass, “Gotta be someone here though if you really want a fuck, come on - you’re just picky, you are.”

“I have a type, excuse me.” Alex knocked him in the arm, calling out for another two drinks, fumbling to get cash out.

They’d been out an hour or so, listened to a set, had a bit of a drink, and Alex had been on the prowl. James sat chatting to George while he wandered off, trying to find a boy to fuck. George had left him now though, he’d gone to meet up with his girlfriend and James was left with a slightly whiny Alex.

He didn’t mind, not at all really, the rolling of the eyes and deep sighs were just for show - James just liked to rile him up a bit, it was all just a bit of fun. He smiled, Alex nudged his shoulder trying to get him to stop, it just made his grin wider.

“Yeah, a type, but really? Out of everyone here?” James argued, knowing Alex was just sulking that the first guy he approached had a boyfriend. He hadn’t bothered after that, just swaying around a bit; James had watched him from the bar, his effort to pull waning after the first bloke fucked off.

“There’s no one James, I have been looking - I’ve not just been fucking scanning the cloakroom or something.” Alex nodded at the bartender, thanking him as he took his drink.

“Fucking hell mate,” James groaned, putting it on really, “They’ll be some big pretty boy wanting to fuck you, just go find them. You’re just feeling rejected after the first guy-”

“I am absolutely not,” Alex claimed, knuckles around the glass as his eyes snapped from James’ to the rest of the floor.

“You are, but that’s fine, a young boy like you isn’t used to getting rejected. There’s plenty more, just go find one if you’re that desperate.”

Alex ignored him, fumbling with his phone, sipping at his drink, avoiding James’ eyes. James just sat and watched him, enjoying being out after the week he’d had, not really too fussed about what he was doing.

“I just wanted someone to fuck me.” Alex perked up again in the end, lips turned down, “It’s been ages.”

“For Christ’s sake,” James sighed, he didn’t mind Alex whining but this was getting silly. It wasn’t like he’d said it once, dropped it and moved on - it wasn’t even like he’d said it a couple of times and gone to do something about it. It was the fourth time and James could only sit and smirk and sigh at him for so long.

Alex fidgeted in his chair, eyebrows raised, looking at James expectantly, as if he was going to whip up a boy to fuck him out of thin air, “What?” Alex asked innocently.

James ignored him, “What’s wrong with that guy, nice and tall, big shoulders, even got nice hair,” he pointed over to some lad wandering around aimlessly, “Sure he’d be up for it.”

“Probably not even gay,” Alex swivelled on his chair to look back at James.

“Never know unless you ask, do you mate, come on.”

Alex hummed, nicking James’ drink off the counter, trying not to let his face contort as he drained half the glass, as if he hadn’t already had enough, “I just wanted a good shag.”

“I know,” James groaned, leaning away, “Just have a wank instead, we can get you home and all right now if you’re that bloody desperate.”

“Nah, I’m good… just wanted a fuck-”

“Fucks sake, I’ll fuck you if you’re that desperate, least it’ll make you stop going on about it,” James sighed, taking his drink back and emptying it down his throat, he’d need it if Alex kept going on.

“Oh,” Alex stumbled, eyebrows raised, face turned inside out.

James couldn’t believe it himself, if he was honest. He didn’t mean it really, just wished Alex would shut up for a bit. It wasn’t like he expected anything to come of it.

“Would you?” Alex looked past him, pupils flickering back to his every now and then.

James’ breath left his throat and didn’t return, he laughed instead, gravelly and drunk, “Not sure I’m the same as those long hot lads you’ve been after, you’re not telling me you’ve been that picky all night and now you’re just… up for whatever.” James trailed off, picking up his empty glass again, something that would steady him to reality, at least a bit.

“I mean…” Alex stuttered, “Not like you’re just some random bloke, you’re decent and you’re offering-”

“Cheers mate, lovely confidence boost - decent and offering. Perfect,” James snorted, wishing he’d never opened his mouth.

“Didn’t mean it like that, you know that,” Alex said softer, looking down at his lap. It scared James a bit, put him on edge and all, “Really though, would you?”

“Never fucked a lad before,” James hummed, trying to sort through his hazy thoughts to figure out if he was diving into something too deep. He couldn’t work it out in the end; it wasn’t that he had a burning desperate desire to fuck Alex, but it wasn’t like he hated the idea.

Alex hummed, patting his knee, “It’s good really.”

“Thanks, great help, that is.” James knew he could back out, laugh it off, give Alex a bit of stick for being so needy. But he wouldn’t mind it really. Never given too much thought to fucking another bloke before, but he wouldn’t mind it, not really. It interested him, in a way.

Alex’s eyes were on his, he could sense the pressure burning, all big and wide and expectant. It was a bit overwhelming, all-consuming. “Don’t have to fuck me,” Alex added, words spouting like a fountain.

“Nah, come on then,” James decided, rum blurring any logical thought, “You’ve gone on about it enough.”

Alex grinned, lazy and wide, “Cos it’s good, that’s why - you’ll see.” Alex stood up, grabbing his jacket from the floor and waiting off the side urging James on with his rolling eyes.

“Bloody impatient you are.” James huffed, following him regardless, as if Alex had him in strings. He didn’t, not really, but for a moment with Alex chasing James out the door, he let him think he did.

\--

“This is uh - just as mates… yeah?” James hummed in the back of the taxi, fingers itching and head pounding.

Alex nodded, face open and clear. “Course.”

James sighed, turning back to look out the window, rain hitting the glass like bullets. It felt like maybe one had snuck through and hit him in the chest.

\--

James shut the door of Alex’s room, turning around to be met with the sight of Alex shuffling his belt out of the loops and fumbling with his zip.

“Bloody hell, you don’t wait do you?” James laughed, taking his jacket off, wondering if the buzzing in his blood was fear or excitement.

“If you wanted me to wait, all you had to do was ask,” Alex snorted, yanking his jeans off before getting to his socks.

“Wait then,” James said clearly, adrenaline racing to his head, “Stop being so bloody impatient.”

Alex whined, hands halting once his socks were on the floor along with his jeans. James’ forehead furrowed; he didn’t expect Alex to just listen. It was unsettling, just a bit.

“Hurry up,” Alex groaned, barely even a minute passing. His legs were kicked out against white sheets, arms all loose and long - James didn’t know how to handle it really.

“Wait,” James said, a bit sterner. It was getting to him, Alex lying there, listening - the whole lot. He just hadn't had a fuck in a while - that was all. He slowly pulled his own jeans down, staring down Alex and his eager eyes as he did so.

He climbed onto the bed, seconds feeling like minutes feeling like hours. Alex’s eyes watched him, body still but hands twitching. “Come on,” Alex spoke again, smirking as if he wanted to wind James up.

“Where’s the lube?” James said, taking the lead, pushing Alex’s hips off the bed to take his pants off. His cock was flushed and wet at the tip already, “Been hard a while then, have you?” James smirked, as if he was in control, as if he wasn’t already completely out of his depth.

“You know I have been, dickhead.”

“Lube?” James pressed again, hands digging into Alex’s hips, unashamed as he bent his knees, tugging his legs up.

“Don’t need it,” Alex rushed, limbs desperate, moving from all angles, trying to tug at James’ pants and tug at his own cock.

James batted his hands away, desperate to remain steady, “Just because I’ve not fucked a guy doesn’t mean I don’t understand how to.”

“Fingered myself earlier,” Alex murmured, tone gentle but desperate. James felt his heart stop, just for a moment.

“What?”

“Didn’t want to waste time when I found a hook-up,” Alex said louder, eyes snapping up to James’ face - challenging, almost.

“Bit much that,” James felt his cock hard and his tummy stir. “Again though, pass us the lube.”

Alex looked confused, “Just explained I’m good - told you, I got ready earlier.”

“Yeah, and I told you I want the lube, not gonna hurt you or whatever,” James argued, hands on Alex’s knees, toying his legs apart, “The faster you get it, the faster I’ll fuck you.”

Alex scurried to the side drawer, leaning on his side to reach the lube, tossing it towards James before he settled back again. “Come on then, get on with it.”

James hummed, slicking up his fingers. He was doing what felt right; he hadn’t got a clue. “Good then?” He asked, receiving an eager nod before he slipped his first finger in.

He was already wet, hole clenching around his finger, pushing down on it with combined slick. Alex moaned, trying to lean up and grab at James, but he pushed him down with a hand on his hip, sliding in another finger in the same motion.

It felt weird - good, but different. He'd never fingered a bloke, never fucked one either, but here he was. James was too drunk to consider the weight of it, but he felt something funny and confusing fizzle in his chest at how much he wanted this.

“Just fuck me already,” Alex whined, “told you I’m ready.”

James tutted, snapping himself out of his head, “Nothing wrong with making sure,” he pulled his fingers out, wiping them roughly on the sheets before stripping his own pants off, letting his fingers wrap around his own cock for a moment. “Pass us a condom then, if you’re so eager.”

Alex raced to oblige again, legs kicking out as he fumbled in the drawer, pulling out a condom, ripping it open and pushing James’ hand off himself to tug him off before rolling the condom on.

“How’d you want me?”

James hummed, drowning a little more with every second that passed, “Turn over.”

“What?” Alex asked. “Like this?” He rolled over so he was leaning on his front, craning his neck back to look at James.

“On your knees,” James stated, as if it was as simple as that. Alex moaned, bending his legs so he was on his hands and knees. His shirt rucked up, hole clenching around nothing - he looked a treat. James felt his stomach jerk. “Perfect.”

“Hurry up then,” Alex groaned, shuffling backwards, his face twisted to look back at him.

“Just admiring the view, that’s all,” James smirked, his head hazy and his thoughts unclear as he positioned himself, one hand on his cock and the other on Alex’s hip, steadying him against him.

Alex tried to push back against him, turning his head back to face the headboard as he edged his hips backwards, “Fucks sake.”

“Uh uh,” James held him still, trying to deal with whatever this was before it happened. He couldn’t in the end, so he pushed in.

It was rough and heady and James was so hard; Alex was whining and gasping like he was dying for it. It felt like so much all at once and James couldn’t see straight. His hands gripping into Alex’s hips, tugging him back as he fucked him forwards, skin slapping together desperately, echoing against the walls.

Alex’s moans swam around James’ head, repeating like a broken record. His head flopped between his shoulders, his elbows holding him up as his body jerked forward with each thrust. It was devastating and rough around the edges, James’ head spun and his muscles ached.

“Fucking hell,” Alex moaned, squirming on his knees, spreading his legs so James could go deeper, “That’s so fucking good…”

James hummed in agreement, he felt all breathy and cloudy and so fucking hard. He snaked an arm around Alex’s waist and stroked down his cock, fingers at the tip, spreading the wetness down his length. His limbs moving on automatic, his head in a world of its own.

“Please, fucks sake.” Alex cursed, his words cold and harsh in the air; James shivered.

“Gonna come?” He muttered, watching the curve in Alex’s back, the dip in his spine and the sheen of sweat down his neck. It was really fucking good, he thought.

“Yeah, just… don’t stop-”

James hummed, interrupting him as he fucked in hard, his pulse racing and his blood bubbling as time stood still. Alex came first, white streaks spilling over his fist as he stroked him through it, hips fucking into him from behind as Alex collapsed forward against the sheets.

James went to pull out, slowing down and holding Alex’s hips steady when he spoke up, “Keep going - you can, you know, it’s fine.” Alex coughed, voice shot, words creased.

James couldn’t think straight to do anything else, he fucked him gentler at first, spurred on by the soft noises Alex made, pushing his hips back against him, “Come on,” Alex muttered, voice heavy and thick in his throat.

It wasn’t long until James felt flames twirl around his veins, cock throbbing heavily as he came. He let his hips roll to a stop, dragging out of Alex, watching his hole flutter as he tugged the condom off.

His head was fiery, his veins like they'd been sliced into thousands of pieces. It all felt a bit much, really.

“Didn’t know you had that in you,” Alex whispered, rolling to one side, leaving space for James to sort himself out.

James laughed, “Good then?” His head hadn’t kicked in yet, all woolly and out of it. “Gonna grab a tissue-”

“Get a fucking wipe mate,” Alex groaned, “I’m not moving.”

James ignored him, shaking his head as he got off the bed, clambering into the bathroom to grab some wet tissue, resisting the urge to lob it at Alex as he walked back in, “Here,” he passed it to him instead.

“A wipe would’ve been better,” Alex grumbled, sorting himself out nevertheless. He threw it in the bin after, curling onto his side, shoving the sheets back to get his legs in.

James laughed, just for the spite of it really, fumbling around on the floor to find his pants. He hadn’t processed it, that was all. It was just a bit much in one night really - could at least give him a few days to figure it out.

It wasn’t like it was bad though, the opposite really. It should’ve unsettled him, but his limbs were all claggy and nothing was oiled like it was supposed to be, so he’d deal with it later. It just festered in his blood, something tugging - indicating, almost. He ignored it, he had to.

“Come on mate,” Alex patted the bed, “Stop pissing around, get in.”

“I’m good, thanks-”

“If you don’t come and cuddle me I will feel very offended.”

James snorted, “As if mate,” he sat on the edge of the bed instead, his legs feeling like lead weights, “I’ll bloody go get Clive if you want a cuddle - softer, he is.”

“Fuck off,” Alex muttered, feet kicking out and arms stretching towards James. “Come here.”

James sighed, he didn’t feel like going upstairs to his anyway, but he should at least make it to the sofa. But Alex’s hands were relentless, tugging at his arms with no results. In the end, James moved himself, sitting back against the headboard next to Alex with his legs kicked out in front.

It was nice, really. It felt like a black hole was trying to swallow him up, but in the end, it was really fucking nice.

“Much better,” Alex claimed, twining an arm around his waist, “Good pillow you are.”

“Piss off,” James muttered, nudging Alex in the side. He just nuzzled in closer. He could at least stay there a bit, he thought. He wasn't up for moving anyway. No harm in that.

Alex seemed comfy after all - and he’d finally shut up, that was the main thing.

It was a few minutes of silence later, the air thick but floaty when Alex twisted his limbs around, "Gonna go to sleep, but stay, if you want," he muttered, voice soft and eyes already closing.

Before James could form a response, Alex bent his hips, leaning on his elbows as he leant up, inches away from James' face. He pecked him on the lips, short and brief - feather-like, as if it never happened at all.

But it did, James felt the touch linger against his mouth. He was tired and drunk and couldn't find it in him to analyse it, but he knew it was nice, and soft. It felt like his stomach had dropped through the floor. He supposed he didn't mind really, didn't really mind at all. 

\--

It was Thursday when James found himself snogging Alex again, properly this time - he didn’t mind, not really. Alex’s mouth was soft and open, his tongue prying for more. James was drunk, having finished off the bottle of tequila about ten minutes prior, he wasn’t thinking straight, but that didn’t matter.

Alex was there and he was warm and James was drunk and the snog was nice. The club was rowdy and loud and James shut that all off, for a bit. It was just drunk mates being mates, really. That was all.

\--

It was Sunday when it happened again, at George and Alex’s new place, this time. Everyone had dribbled over around 7 pm and had been drinking ever since. It was a recipe for disaster, but James didn’t mind - didn’t know any better.

10 pm had come and gone, bottles scattered over the floor, Fraser had suggested Truth or Dare. Will snorted, arm around Mia, not caring about much else. George rolled his eyes, too drunk to give a shit. And Alex just sat there, pretty next to James as if nothing was out of the ordinary.

“Come on then mate,” Will prompted, “This was your idea, this was. Ask us a question then.”

Fraser flipped him off, drunk and overexcited himself, “Favourite position?” He raised an eyebrow, sealing his mouth around his bottle again.

Will contemplated, just for a moment. Mia blushed. “Cowgirl. For someone so eager to play, you’re not very spicy with your questions.”

“Would’ve taken you for a Doggy bloke, myself,” Alex muttered, Will laughed. James shook his head, unsure how he’d found himself part of this mess.

“My turn then,” Will rubbed his hands together, everyone looked a bit wary, “Alex-”

“Why me?” Alex protested, huffing - puffing out his chest like he was ready for whatever was about to be tossed his direction.

“Because you’re fun to pick on,” Will smiled lazily, kicking his legs onto the table, swigging his bottle as he went, “Go for a dare mate, more fun that way.”

“You can’t tell someone what to pick-” George tried to interrupt, eventually trailing off, more interested in the cup between his fingertips.

“Alright then,” Alex nodded easily.

Will responded eagerly, “Give someone a snog, pick whoever but make it good.”

“You just mocked my question,” Fraser spluttered, “But you asked the dullest one of all.” He huffed, “I’m not happy with this, Will.”

Will ignored him, eyes staring down Alex’s like he could predict his next move. James didn’t have a clue; it was a surprise when seconds later Alex was tugging his jaw closer to his, fingers gentle but forceful, sealing their mouths together messily.

James responded, hand still around the neck of his bottle, drunk and off his head - not really paying attention to his surroundings. Instead, once he’d recovered from the shock, he paid attention to Alex’s hands against his face, his lips against his own, and the laziness of their tongues melding.

He heard someone whistle in the background, fading off, heard someone else curse a bit, disappearing into a whisper. James’ mind was on kissing Alex. He reckoned he must’ve been the easiest to kiss, after last time - being close mates and all.

Alex pulled away before long, James rolling his eyes, shaking his head as Alex grinned. He sat back up, took a long drink, and thought it didn't matter. He didn’t really mind after all.

\--

It was becoming somewhat of a habit by the time it happened again. They were at James’, pre-drinking for their night out. George was there with his girlfriend, Alex was dishing out the alcohol, nearly draining the first bottle between them all already.

Maybe they were all a bit tipsy - maybe too drunk, considering they were still heading out. It didn’t matter, James supposed. It wasn’t like they had anything important on tomorrow.

“Top me up?” Alex called out, holding his glass out for someone to take. James obliged, wanting a new one himself. “Perfect, thanks.”

James drifted into the kitchen, feeling weightless but heavy, limbs knocking the glasses as he spilt some liquor. He was pulling the Coke out of the fridge when Alex walked in.

“You alright?” He muttered, tutting as he spotted the mess, “Just moved in mate, could at least keep it clean for a little while.”

“Piss off, just a little spill.” James snorted, watching Alex use some kitchen roll he found from God knows where to mop it up.

“Much better,” he grinned, tossing the tissue on the counter, not the bin, course not the bin.

James hummed, pouring the drinks, nudging Alex’s towards him as he turned to put the bottle away.

Alex caught him when he swivelled on his heels again, “Thanks,” he murmured, wobbly on his feet as he leant up and connected their lips.

It was warm and slick and James felt Alex’s fingers on his arms as he steadied himself. It was a habit now, he supposed. He didn’t mind, rather liked kissing him really. That was all it was, he tried to reason with himself - maybe that was alright.

Alex broke the kiss, breathing heavily against James’ mouth before he slammed their lips together again. Tongues swirling, gravity shifting, James felt heady. It was good.

“You’re welcome,” James uttered when Alex pulled away the second time, shrinking back to his normal height as he fell back on his heels.

Alex hummed this time, cheeks hazing pink as he took a sip of his drink, “Thanks,” he said again, a smile twitching at his face.

“Already said that mate,” James took his own in hand, draining a solid half of it before resurfacing, wondering momentarily if whatever he was doing was his smartest plan; it wasn’t, he came to the conclusion. It didn't really matter though.

Alex laughed, not really committing, “Guess so.”

Air stood heavy for a couple of seconds before James broke it again, “This whole kissing thing… I’m not gay, you know.”

Alex frowned, “Bit gay really, snogging your mate.”

“No it’s just - mates,” James stumbled for words, blaming it on the drink, “Mates being mates, right?”

Alex looked confused, James tried to open his mouth again, yet no sound came out.

“Right,” Alex nodded, eyes squinting as if he was trying to analyse what James meant. He must’ve found it in the end, staring at his knuckles wrapped around his drink instead.

James exhaled, he didn’t know anymore. He liked kissing him, he supposed - it wasn't like he minded. It was just what mates did. He supposed he could think about it properly in the morning, when his body wasn't drowning in alcohol.

Alex smiled, leading the way back into the other room after a couple of seconds, James followed, something heavy crawling behind him, something he couldn’t quite shake loose.

\--

Nothing changed, James thought, he thought it would, but it hadn’t.

It was weird - he couldn’t let it go for some reason, couldn’t drop what Alex said. A constant soundtrack streaming behind his every move ‘snogging your mate, bit gay really’ - his voice wouldn’t shut up.

He was drinking again, out on his own this time, he’d left Fraser in the flat, fucking around with his video while he snuck straight out the front door. He hadn’t been out without anyone in a while, a good couple months really, he’d forgotten how lonely it was.

It wasn’t like he hadn’t been chatting because he had, it was just different. He knew that - of course, couldn’t expect it to be the same going out with his mates as without. It was just a difference he had forgotten about, momentarily at least.

James was so used to someone clinging to his side that now there was an empty space there instead, it felt a bit off.

He ordered another drink, lounging around, wondering if he should go home, it wasn’t like he was having the best night anyway. It just seemed something of a waste, to come out and go home, but he didn’t really know what else he was achieving.

James saw a pretty girl in the next breath, long hair, short skirt, looking his way. He could chase her - if she was interested, he supposed. He hadn’t exactly gone out looking for a hook-up or even anything more for a while, only been out with his mates since his girlfriend, never had the opportunity or desire.

He hadn’t had sex since Alex and that was leading to be a month ago- he was just out of the game, he supposed.

It wasn’t like he had a burning desire now either though, he thought it wasn’t really fair to go along with it if he weren’t fully invested. He could try though, wasn’t much harm in it, he reasoned as he coughed up for another drink.

Before he could second guess himself, James took his own drink and the new Martini over to the girl, separated from her group of friends, edging his way at the other end of the bar.

They chatted, James laughed, she flicked her hair and sipped at the straw. Her name was London, James learned. They discussed the city and their interests, her edging closer with every sentence that uttered out of their lips.

James felt his muscles tense - he was just out of practice, he thought. Wasn’t used to pulling after so long. He smiled, trying to put himself at ease, “You alright then?” James finished his drink, smirking at her, trying to remember what he was doing.

London hummed, agreeing, body closing into his side, arm flung around his neck, “Is this?”

“Perfect,” James tried to relax, his chest heavy as he curled an arm around her waist loosely in return. It wasn’t that he didn’t like her, she was pretty, sweet, had gorgeous eyes and rosy cheeks. He liked her, in a way.

He just felt something tugging through his veins, he couldn’t put a finger on it, but it was unsettling. He wanted her, he supposed. He should’ve had more conviction, he thought.

James silently sighed, resisting the urge to rub a hand through his hair. He didn’t know what he was doing. His head was an afterthought, his body running on impulse.

James was drunk and he thought he should want this, but something was holding him back, whether it was Alex’s words ‘bit gay really’ swimming through his head, whether it was the empty space that none of his mates were filling, whether he was too drunk to think clearly. Whatever it was, it pulled him away.

He didn’t want this really, not really. His fingers itching as his head switched into gear. She was gorgeous and kind and perhaps it would’ve been a great night. But James couldn’t. Words and thoughts drifting through his head, consumed by everything outside of that moment.

James cursed under his breath, his arm going loose, his skin crawling as everything surrounded him. He couldn’t do this, it wasn’t fair.

“Sorry,” James murmured, “Think I gotta go, I just - I just remembered my flatmate… he’s ill, I said I’d get him some uh, some soup.”

London quirked an eyebrow, facing him, “Soup?”

“Yeah, uh… he likes carrot and potato, gotta go buy him some before the shops shut.” James spouted, lies pouring out of his pores as the tightness rose in his throat.

“Oh,” London spoke, arm falling away, “Right. Go for it,” She tried to smile, confusion spilling across her features, “If he needs his soup who am I to stop you getting it.”

“Thanks,” James muttered hazily, eyes drifting as he kissed her cheek and wandered off. Something fuzzy blurring his conscious as he rubbed his eyes, rushing out the door, immediately hit by the chill in the air.

He just needed to get home, get some sleep - this was just lack of rest, something about essays and uni and nights out, that was all. The tightness remained, knotting his bones together as he climbed in a taxi, calming his breathing as he headed home.

It wasn’t that something was bothering him, but something just itched at his insides and he didn’t know what. James was drunk and worn out and he wanted something but he didn’t know what.

It felt like no time at all before the taxi pulled up outside the tower block. James thanked him, numb as he handed over some change, pulling his feet out the car like they were weights. He just wanted to sleep, he thought, figuring out which pocket his keys were in as he stomped up the stairs.

James didn’t register putting his keys in the door, only registered hearing Fraser call out to him, hearing someone giggle in the background as he walked in, wobbly and unstable on his feet.

“James, come watch this with us.” Fraser shuffled, head poking through the door of his room, hands flapping to get him to come quicker, “Alex’s found some weird video.”

James sighed, regretting the fifth drink, perhaps. “Weird how?” He wandered forward regardless, bumping Fraser’s door open. His heart warmed slightly seeing Fraser settle back down with Alex tucked under the duvet. It was better, he felt better.

“Hey mate,” Alex grinned, “Good night?”

James hummed noncommittally, “Alright I guess, what’s this then?”

Fraser shuffled over on Alex’s other side, leaning over Alex’s lap to pat the bed next to them. James perched on the edge, feet still firmly on the floor, expecting to go settle down in his own room in a bit, but apparently that wasn’t on the cards quite yet.

“Least sit back mate,” Alex poked him, “Enough room and all.”

James sighed, wondering if he should just wander off to bed, whether he was in the mood for this. Before he made his mind up, Alex’s fingers were around his arm, trying to tug him back against the bed. He didn’t succeed, but got his point across nonetheless.

He batted Alex's hands away, kicking his feet up and leaning against the headrest, gesturing at Fraser’s laptop to start whatever they were watching back up again. “Best be good then.”

“Will be,” Alex smiled, shuffling over to James with the laptop on his calves, wrapping his hands back around James’ arm and resting his head on his shoulder.

James didn’t really know how to react, the alcohol was still thick in his skull and things didn’t really make sense anymore. He should push him off, he supposed, but he didn’t really mind it; he was comforting, a gentle pressure against him, keeping him from floating away. So he let it happen.

Fraser leant forward once he realised Alex wasn’t going to, pressing play again onto some video James couldn’t even pay attention to anymore. His head was all alcohol and Alex and it was a bit much really. He should’ve just gone to bed.

He tried to pull away in the end, but Alex clung like some sort of bat, nails accidentally snagging his shirt as he kept him close, nestling his head into his collarbone as he huffed at the video. It was all very casual, James didn’t know why he felt so shaken.

It was something to do with the fact he really rather wanted to snog him again, that must’ve been it, something about the fact they fucked and it was all he could think of, something about his head being completely and utterly consumed, by him.

It wasn’t a conscious thought, wanting to kiss him again, he didn’t acknowledge it when it popped into his head, but it was there, heavy as it got comfy in the depths of his subconscious. He should’ve kissed the girl at the bar, he thought, if he wanted a kiss that desperately. But that didn’t sit right.

He just wanted to kiss Alex, that was all. James thought maybe it was a bit gay really. His muscles went tense at that realisation, even if he hadn’t accepted the former thought, the latter was a bit more demanding.

It scared him, in a way. There was just something unsettling about the fact that maybe an element of wanting to snog his mate was a bit gay. He didn’t really want to think about it, but it was all he could think off once the thought was in his head.

The video ended before James could actually focus on watching it, he frowned, looking at the laptop, not having a clue what he just watched.

“Good that was,” Alex muttered into James’ shirt, his weight on him grounding but also sinking.

“Yeah,” Fraser agreed, folding his arms, “Now get out of my bed, it’s late.”

Alex snorted, sitting up straight. James immediately went to stand, thinking he could make his escape. “Can I stay over?” Alex murmured, “I’ll take the sofa, if it’s alright.”

He looked up at James, all big-eyed and soft. James just really wanted to kiss him, he thought again, shaking his head trying to get rid of the thoughts before nodding properly. “Course, whatever you want mate.”

James stretched, limbs feeling achy as his feet sunk into the floor, something draining the life out of him with every second. Alex smiled, leaping to his feet like he was the one who stole all the energy James had. “Perfect, thanks.”

Alex paced out the room before James could even turn around, still on a bit of a go slow, “Quality vid mate,” James nodded at Fraser, despite the fact he had no idea what he just watched, “Thanks for that and all. Gonna go to sleep now.”

Fraser yawned, eagerly nodding, “Great, leave me so I can do the same then.”

James laughed, saying goodnight before shutting the door behind him. He saw Alex pottering around their kitchen like it was his own, made something shift around a bit inside his chest; it all felt a bit disconcerting really.

“You alright?” Alex asked, noticing him, grabbing a drink and stealing a charger before flopping down with his legs outstretched on the sofa.

“Oh… yeah,” James shuffled around going to grab a blanket, one that just sort of appeared one day. He assumed it was Alex’s, must’ve brought it round once. “Absolutely great.”

“Good, I’m glad. Drink a lot?” He quirked an eyebrow, smirking as he eyed James knocking into the chair as he brought the blanket over.

“A bit,” James snorted, “Wasn’t too much.”

Alex hummed, eyes sparkling as James steadied himself, keeping in a straight line as he tossed the blanket over. “Thanks mate,” Alex immediately curled it around himself, “You gonna stay up for a bit? We can watch something, a new show or whatever?”

James stopped in his tracks, holding the arm of the sofa in a tight grip, nails digging in. “Uh - think maybe I best go to sleep, bit drunk, you know.”

“You just said you didn’t drink too much,” Alex frowned, “Stay for a bit, I'll even share my blanket.”

“Best not,” James felt his lungs flutter through lack of oxygen, he knew if he sat there, arms touching, legs together, it would be too hard to stop himself kissing him, it’d mean accepting something about what he wanted was ever so slightly gay.

“Oh-”

“Yeah, uh - just a bit tired,” James muttered, nodding as if he held full conviction.

“Fair enough,” Alex pouted, sighing, shuffling so he was lying down, “Hope you’re good though mate and you can get some sleep and all.

“Thanks,” James trailed off, unmoving, “Right then, gonna go now.”

Alex looked up at him, “Sure, sounds good, see you in the morning - don’t wake me up if you’re hungover and grumpy.”

“Nah, won’t be hungover, you’re safe from that.” James smiled, trying to inhale air for his lungs to choke on, spinning on his heels and stumbling into his room.

He crashed on the bed like he’d been stood up for years, feeling small in a way he hadn’t before - like something had dug under his skin and eating him from the inside out. It was just a bit unsettling.

It wasn’t like he’d never considered his sexuality, it was just he was extremely content with his status as a straight man, yet now everything he’d never questioned whirred around his head like some helicopter with a wing missing about to crash into his skull.

He supposed he’d consider it in the morning, when he wasn’t so inebriated and confused. It took him a while to get to sleep, but he got there in the end, thoughts infecting his dreams when he got there - Alex, infecting them, to be precise.

\--

“Can we go out later?” Alex asked, spooning cereal into his mouth, eyeing James up as he stumbled out of his room.

“I just woke up mate, give me a bit.” James rubbed his face, he’d been awake at least an hour now, just didn’t feel up to facing anything until now.

“Yeah,” Alex said through a mouthful, “But can we go out?”

James eyed him warily, “Go out with Fraser, I can’t do two nights in a row-”

“You can,” Alex protested, “Have done before.” He looked at him with hopeful eyes, James felt something twinge.

“We’ve gone out quite a bit lately, you know.”

“Just one more,” Alex fidgeted, sounding small. “One more…” he trailed off, shoving the half-empty bowl on the floor, fingers twitching in his lap.

James sighed, resolve shattered before it had even fully formed. “Alright, you’re paying for my drinks though.”

\--

They were a few drinks down, James had lost count of how many, although he was aware his liver wouldn’t be too happy. Whenever he finished his glass, Alex whipped up another for him, keeping to his promise of buying him drinks.

Alex was drunk, to put it mildly. He had one arm clinging onto the bar and the other on James’s shoulder, swaying on his feet to an invisible rhythm. Fraser had joined them in the end, but he’d muddled into the crowd after not too long, so it was just James and Alex and the confusion muddling through James’ bloodstream.

“Gotta tell you something,” Alex whispered, looking up through his lashes. James felt something in him panic, ever so slightly.

“What’s that then?” James finished off his drink, stopping Alex when he went to call out for another, he needed some level of sobriety if he was supposed to sort Alex and Fraser out getting home.

Alex cupped James’ ear, leaning close like it was some guarded secret, “You only kiss me when we’re drunk.”

James tried to laugh, his breath catching in his throat, something chasing words up his throat. “No I don’t,” he responded, “We’ve not snogged enough times for it to be this… this thing with statistics.”

“It’s just fact, really.” Alex mused, turning back to his drink, “Only happens when we’re drunk.”

James flushed, something ripping at his throat, something heavy clawing at his chest. He opened his mouth but found no words, Alex looking over at him through the corner of his eye, expectant, almost.

He couldn’t find anything to say in the end, grabbing Alex’s neck with one hand and his waist with another, tugging him towards him and clashing their mouths together. It was all he could do to stay sane.

It was hot and wet and warm and James couldn’t breathe, he felt out of control; he felt like he was floating. It was heavenly but fiery and James felt trapped.

He wanted him, really wanted him - kissing him was all he’d thought about all week, no matter how much he’d tried to get it out of his head, he wanted it. It was intoxicating, worse than the rum.

James felt like his world was closing in, his breath shaky against Alex’s lips, his tongue prying into his mouth, the air soft and warm. It was everything he’d been thinking about.

He kissed with passion and heat and tried to forget Alex’s words, tried to forget about the people surrounding them, tried to forget that maybe this was a bit gay.

“Can I suck you off?” Alex panted, breaking the kiss. James froze, Alex winced. “Don’t have to, it's just - just a thought.”

James didn’t answer, his lips parted and his eyebrows furrowed. Alex leaned in to kiss him again in the end, appearing not to mind James’ minor breakdown.

It wasn’t that he didn't want it - he did. That’s what scared him. The image of Alex on his knees ran circles around his mind, his eyes glazing over as it took over his vision. It was all he could see and he wanted it.

“Was good before you know, when you fucked me - so just a thought,” Alex continued, breath against his lips.

James exhaled, slow and steady, mind whirring like it was never going to stop. He felt his chest split in two - something telling him to stop, not to let this desperate urge for Alex get too much, but also something light and airy when he looked at him, something that made it all seem like it’d be alright.

In the end, he was never going to say no.

“Alright then,” James whispered, the admission feeling heavy on his tongue, the fact that maybe he did want it.

When they fucked it didn’t feel like something, when they kissed it felt like something building, but now it was an explosion of something James couldn’t keep in anymore.

He supposed maybe it didn’t matter, maybe it meant nothing - maybe mates did just help get each other off, maybe he wasn’t gay at all.

Maybe he was lying to himself.

“Perfect,” Alex grinned, teeth shining as he beamed, breaking James out of his thoughts. “Come on then.”

Alex tugged at James’ wrist, it all felt so vitally real and important and something heavy tugged at James’ limbs and he couldn’t understand it. He didn’t need to, he supposed. He trailed after Alex, feeling the parallel to when he followed him out the club the first time they fucked.

It was different this time, he thought. It wasn't that he didn't mind it, it was that he wanted it.

“Alex, wait… where are we going?” James stumbled, face contorted as Alex led them through the crowd. His words got lost, Alex turned to face him, nodding a smile before turning back.

“Here,” Alex presented the bathroom door, like it was something leading to Oz.

James snorted, “We’re not fucking in the toilets.”

“No, but I’m sucking you off in there, come on.” Alex grinned wickedly, holding the door open for James, storming in like he owned the place.

James felt numb and unresistant; he followed him, desperately wanting, realisation setting in, something clawing at his veins, something desperate telling him this was something.

“Alex-”

“Come on,” Alex interrupted, staring at him expectedly, sighing as seconds passed and James didn’t move. “We don’t have to do anything-”

James stopped him; he wanted it. He pushed past him, grabbing Alex's wrist and dragging them to the stall at the end.

“We’re good then?” Alex murmured, the bass fainter, the brights lighter. Everything vivid and neon.

James looked up, trying to appear calm, “Course, you gonna get me off then?” He smiled, forcing his shoulders to relax, his tummy to unwind, getting lost in Alex’s atmosphere.

Alex grinned, light on his feet as he locked the latch, trying to push James’ shoulders back against the door, catching him off guard and snogging him roughly.

James clung to Alex’s waist, his hands tight around him, as if he was holding him up. He kissed back, lost in his mouth, teeth clashing as their bodies collided.

It wasn’t just mates, James suddenly realised. Panic setting in, something rising in his throat. It wasn’t just mates.

He wasn’t gay, he thought desperately, although perhaps wanting this - wanting him, was a bit. James couldn’t think straight, everything blurring, feeling fuzzy as the world spun.

It wasn’t just mates, James repeated. This felt heavier than that - something unsettling under the surface, something threatening to rip his chest apart. He wanted this.

Alex broke the kiss, mouth trailing down his jaw before pulling away, breaths heavy against James’ skin. His fingers played with James’ belt, nails digging into the leather, pressing against his hips, “This alright then?”

“Go on,” James forced himself to speak, words coming out stilted but steady. He watched as Alex beamed, fingertips unzipping his jeans as he eagerly slid them down his legs.

“Fuck you’re fit,” Alex panted, almost laughing through his words, shaking his head. He sunk to his knees; James was transfixed.

It wasn’t like last time, wasn’t like when they fucked. James wanted this, something stirring in his stomach - it was familiar, Alex was, but so different simultaneously.

Alex grabbed onto James’ wrists, looking up at him with big eager eyes, all round and blue and scary. James thought he looked gorgeous. “Put them in my hair,” Alex commanded, James quirked an eyebrow but obliged anyway.

His fingertips stroked through Alex’s hair, his head went limp in his hands, falling into his palms as he tilted his neck to face him. James felt every ounce of fear sink away, something felt right, looking into his eyes, his cheeks red, lips puffy.

“Said you’d suck me off?” James muttered, grappling at whatever control he had left, nails ripping his skin open, feeling laid out bare when Alex stroked his cock, hands on his hips as he took him down his throat, eager and desperate himself.

James felt the pleasure cloud his head, sinking into the feeling. Alex’s mouth was warm and wet and gorgeous. His hands in his hair, lightly tugging him down, Alex moans vibrating around his cock. Shivers spiralled down his spine, his body heavy and his head wanting.

Alex bobbed his head up, licking at the tip of his cock, James groaned, the sound hollow in the bathroom. The sight of Alex on his knees was the stuff of nightmares, something haunting but devastating. He wanted him, wanted to devour him, wanted to kiss him.

He was drunk, but that didn’t matter in the moment. Alex’s lips around his cock, the sensations deafening. It felt like James’ world was closing in.

“Is this good?” Alex muttered, voice hoarse, almost unsure, sucking on his head as he looked up at him. James stroked his fingers down his cheek, against his lips, feeling his cock bob against his mouth.

James groaned, “Perfect, gonna come soon.”

“Can I come?” Alex asked, taking James back down his throat before James could form an answer.

“Yeah,” James whispered, something sinking in his chest, “Wanna see.”

Alex got his cock out desperately, jacking himself off urgently as his tongue swirled around James’ cock.

It was everything all at once, his head fucked and his stomach twisting. Sparks heating up his insides as something washed over him, “Gonna come… pull off.”

Alex whined, continuing his efforts. James tried to pull his head back, didn’t know if he wanted to swallow, but Alex was determined and ran his tongue along his slit, teasing and gentle, settling all his nerves on fire.

James came, a rush of adrenaline swimming around his blood as Alex sucked him through it, swallowing every last drop, tonguing at the tip before he pulled off. James felt buried, like he was covered in quicksand. Fire warm in his stomach as Alex licked his lips, eyes wide, eyelashes fluttering, cock red in his fist.

“Get yourself off then,” James muttered, hands still in his hair, stroking through the strands, “Come for me.” Alex moaned, one hand clinging to James’ hip, the other tight wrapped around his cock. He came within seconds, spilling over his hand as his body went tense. James felt his breath stick in his throat. He looked absolutely gorgeous.

It was becoming an issue, James supposed, he was sure he wasn’t supposed to find his mate pretty, but he did. Alex clung onto him like he was drowning when James felt like he was the one sinking.

The breathy silence filled the air, James’ thoughts assaulting him from every angle. He tried to shut them out, thought he could deal with them later, but there was no denying the fact that perhaps this wasn’t just mates.

“Was that alright?” Alex asked, fumbling onto his feet, James’ hands falling away from his hair. He tried to ignore that the lack of contact made him feel a little lost.

James smiled lazily, “Yeah, you do a good blowjob-”

“Wasn’t really what I was asking,” Alex laughed, standing to face him. James felt the air freeze, his body tense. It was unsettling, not knowing what Alex meant - or having an idea, and refusing to comprehend it.

Instead he smiled, pushing it out of his head, kissing Alex again, lazy and sloppy, tasting himself on his lips. He didn’t mind at all, didn't think he ever would when Alex was involved.

“We heading home then?” Alex asked, hands finding their way to James’ hips again.

“Course, if you want to… enough partying for now?” James unlocked the door - maybe more space, bigger surroundings would help him feel less trapped.

Alex nodded, leading the way, his hands still attached to James’ jumper, something about it making his chest tight. James followed helplessly, unable to do anything else.

\--

“Why won’t you kiss me when I’m sober,” Alex whispered breathily once they’d gotten into his flat. Their jackets were on the floor, shoes abandoned in the kitchen. It hadn’t even been five minutes.

James felt the earth fall out of his chest, “What do you mean?”

“You only kiss me - or do anything, when I’m drunk.”

Alex stumbled, legs wobbly as he steadied himself against the counter. James couldn’t take his eyes off him.

“I - I don’t know… Why don’t we discuss it in the morning.” James tried to coax, panic rising in his throat, Alex’s eyes like pistols, shooting bullets into his own.

“No,” Alex stuttered, lip wobbling, “I don’t get it James. You can’t just - you can’t just kiss me when I’m drunk.”

James felt his heart twist in his chest, “Do you not want-”

“I want you to kiss me when I’m sober,” Alex interrupted, “That’s what I want. It’s not that I don’t want you to kiss me drunk, it’s that I want you to kiss me more than that…”

James was silent, pulse rising, bile swirling with his tonsils. “Go to bed Alex, you’re drunk.”

“Yeah - and you’ll only kiss me like this, it seems.” Alex’s arms failing, his body weak as he tried to remain upright. Alcohol twisting his features, fucking with his balance, making his limbs heavy.

“It’s not because you’re drunk,” James tried to justify, “It’s cos I am.” Words feeling like daggers as he threw them into the air, blades scratching at his throat as they flew out, unintentional.

“Why don’t you kiss me when we’re sober.” Alex repeated, his cheeks red and puffy, his lips still blown out from earlier. James felt his stomach churn.

He wanted him, drunk and sober, asleep and alive, he wanted it, he realised. He just couldn’t deal with it, couldn’t deal with it when he was conscious, every moment of his actions clear in his head, without the guise of alcohol as an excuse. He couldn’t deal with it.

Alex’s face turned, sobs breaking free as his fingers turned white against the counter.

“Come here,” James whispered, out of his depth. He waited until Alex stumbled over to him, holding him up in his arms as Alex clung back, nails digging into his shirt, cheek against his collar, tears down his neck.

“I’m sorry-”

“Don’t be,” James interrupted, hating that he’d caused it, hating that he couldn’t deal with it. Everything whirred through his head in one go, from when they fucked, from their first kiss to the second, and every one after that, from the bathroom in the club, from Alex in his arms.

It was devastating, and James felt desperate. He wanted more; he wasn’t gay, although perhaps he was. It terrified him, shook him to his core. It felt like his world split in two, like something heavy was pressing down against him, squashing him into the dirt.

James’ hands wrapped around Alex, like they were as much of an anchor as each other. Alex muffled sobs into James’ shirt and the world was still, like everything was untouchable, unbreakable, almost.

“It’s okay,” James tried to shush, a hand holding his head, Alex’s body limp, collapsed into James’, weight heavy and grounding. He didn’t know what to do - how to help. In the end he held him, calming him with the stroke of his hands against his hair.

Alex sniffled, pulling back an inch, bodies close as he spoke again, “Can we watch something? Can get my laptop or something, don’t wanna sleep yet.”

James felt a tug of something strong inside his veins, “Course, get a blanket or something and I’ll get some water.”

It took him a minute to pull away, James feeling lost as Alex wandered off, drunk legs carrying him across the flat. James scurried into the kitchen, getting a drink before rubbing at his eyes. He wasn’t gay, he clung desperately to the thought.

He didn’t know what was real or not anymore, he knew he wanted to kiss him, knew how hot he was when he fucked him, knew how heavy his chest felt when he sucked him off, but he didn’t know what this was - didn’t know what he wanted.

He wanted him, James thought, leaning against the counter, head fuzzy as time ticked by slowly. Maybe it was just mates, maybe he was just fooling himself.

“I’ve just brought the duvet,” Alex called from the sofa, “Couldn’t find a blanket, George must’ve nicked it.”

James stumbled in, effects of the alcohol fading away as Alex came into focus. “Here, drink up.”

“Thanks,” Alex muttered, collapsing on the sofa, kicking his legs up on the coffee table, trying not to spill any water. “Come sit then.”

James obliged, limbs heavy as the sofa took his weight, Alex’s warmth heating him up from his left. It was a lot. James didn’t know how to deal with it, his head was a blur.

“This alright?” Alex muttered, gesturing to the laptop in front of them, the duvet tossed across their legs, bodies close, air still.

“Course,” James smiled, pulling his focus back to what mattered - Alex, and reality. Alex smiled back, curving his lips up, face blotchy from the tears but gorgeous and open. It would be alright, James tried to think, because maybe when Alex was there, it would always be alright.

\--

“Can we, you know… have a chat?” Alex mumbled into his coffee. They’d been awake less than an hour, James hadn’t moved from the sofa, creases from where they’d slept filling the room.

James stayed still, “We’re chatting now, aren’t we?”

“Piss off, you know what I mean,” Alex murmured with less conviction.

James felt his face soften, his limbs fall, “Course, yeah, come here then mate.”

Alex sloped next to him, shoulders slouched and head heavy. James felt something fly around his chest, something buzzing and demanding. He didn’t know how he was feeling, didn’t know how to voice it, but he knew he had to.

After last night, once Alex had fallen asleep, head on his shoulder, hair against his neck, James had realised maybe the whole ‘wanting to snog your mate’ thing meant more than just wanting to snog your mate.

It was scary, that was all, realising you weren’t what you thought you were. It wasn’t like he expected it to happen, it wasn’t like he was asking for it, or waiting for it. It wasn’t like he was prepared, but it happened anyway.

It began snaking up James’ spine - the realisation, the fact that maybe he liked him. The fact that maybe he liked a boy. The fact that maybe he liked kissing him, more than perhaps mates should.

It took a while for it to sink in, slow like he was being forced through a sieve. He really sort of liked him - liked Alex.

James realised maybe he did want to snog him, maybe he wanted to push him against a wall and melt their lips together, maybe he didn’t want to make an excuse for it. He wanted it, no bounds, just him. It was terrifying.

He fancied a bloke, just like he fancied a girl. He didn’t know how to feel, or how he was supposed to feel. All he knew was perhaps he did find Alex pretty, perhaps he did like when they kissed and perhaps he did want to fuck him again.

“So uh -” Alex began, James felt his breath catch; Alex still looked sleep-dazed, hair stuck up in directions that shouldn’t be possible, James thought he liked him, just a bit. “Last night, I don’t know what I said.”

James huffed a laugh, “Something about us and how we snog a lot-”

“Yeah,” Alex trailed off, hands in the cuffs of his hoodie, “Sorry, I was a bit all over the place.”

“No, don’t be sorry.” James felt his throat close up, like his body was trying to stop the words getting out. He opened his mouth again, trying to speak, chest tightening as he croaked out nothing. It was all a bit much, that was all.

“You alright?” Alex noticed, creeping closer, hand on his knee, “I haven’t upset you, have I? Shit… sorry-”

“No,” James breathed slowly, fingers twitching, warmth spreading from Alex’s hand, “It’s just I think you were right… you know - last night.”

Alex frowned, James felt his muscles tense, “What do you mean?”

“I don’t-” James paused, trying to steady himself, trying to make himself believe it would be okay, “I just like it when we snog,” he admitted, that little feeling in his chest loosening as the words spilled out.

Alex’s eyebrows rose, his face unreadable, James felt like all he could do was continue.

“It’s just - you were right, last night.” James clenched his eyes shut, Alex’s gaze too soft and gentle, “When we kiss, it’s always drunk.”

“Oh,” Alex whispered, “Yeah, I was right.” He huffed a laugh, “Was that ever in question?”

“No, I was just in denial.” James opened his eyes, meeting Alex’s all warm and open. “It’s not that I don’t want to kiss you sober, it’s that it’s… it’s more real, you know, sober.”

“Oh,” Alex said again, “You want to kiss me then?” He stared like he was reading a book, something hopeful easing over his eyes, something that let James open his mouth again, rubbing his hair with one hand.

“Yeah,” He whispered, voice heavy with the weight of it. “It’s just a lot, you know - thought I was straight.” James laughed lazily, turning to look out the window.

“Yeah,” Alex agreed, “Don’t think you are though.”

“Could be right there,” James nodded, a lazy smile across his face. It didn’t mean he wasn’t scared, it just meant maybe he’d denied it long enough.

“So, about the whole kissing thing,” Alex edged closer, James felt his breath catch. “When I told you it was a bit gay, you know, to kiss your mate, and you didn’t believe me-”

“Fuck off,” James laughed, feeling tense but maybe just a bit hopeful. Alex was a bit reassuring, his presence calming, “I didn’t realise.”

“You know I’m just kidding,” Alex smiled, “Are you okay though, really?” He rubbed his knee again, fingers against the creases in his jeans, it was a bit distracting really.

“Think so, just took a while to realise it, might have a breakdown at some point though-”

“I’ll look forward to that,” Alex hummed, as if he understood, James supposed he did really.

“Are you okay though?” James whispered, the air delicate.

“Oh, yeah, course - why wouldn’t I be?”

James stumbled, “Cos I just admitted to wanting to kiss you, you know - that it wasn’t just mates?”

Alex laughed, “Oh, I knew it wasn’t just mates James. That was just you.” He trailed off, smiling lazily, worried crease still plaguing his forehead.

“Oh,” James muttered, the world feeling like it had frozen around him, like maybe things were falling down in slow motion. “You weren’t kissing me as mates?”

“No?” Alex frowned, “Sorry… was I supposed to be snogging you as a mate?”

“No,” James coughed, shuffling under the weight of Alex’s hand, “I was just… confused, I guess.”

“That’s understandable though,” Alex hummed, taking James’ rearranging of limbs to give him the confidence to edge closer, “It’s a bit confusing, especially when I’m on the end of it - massive troll that I am.”

“You’re not,” James was quick to reassure, his words weighted, dripped in honey and gold. He knew what he was doing, terrified, but truthful, “You’re quite pretty, really.”

Alex’s eyes popped open, lips parted, as if he couldn’t understand, “You mean that?”

“Uh - am I not supposed to-”

“No, just, a surprise, that’s all.” Alex nestled closer, finally getting close enough to rest his head on James’ shoulder, coffee mug placed delicately on the coffee table. “So you wanted to kiss me then?”

James felt the air get sucked out of his lungs, like they were being vacuum packed or something. He couldn’t think straight, “Suppose I do, really. Just a bit of a big thing really,” James found himself whispering.

“It’s the same, you know.”

“What is?” James felt his pulse rise, his head blur.

Alex breathed the words against his skin, James felt shivers spiral through his bones, “Kissing drunk, or sober - just usually a bit less messy sober.”

“Oh,” James breathed, feeling monumental.

Alex shifted, tilting his shoulders, moving his face, legs tucked up beside him. He was gorgeous, James thought. It was terrifying. His face was inches away from his own, eyes tied to his like they were anchored, “It’s the same, see?” Alex whispered before he leant closer.

Their mouths met; it wasn’t fiery or desperate or anything it had been before, but it was something real, and warm. James felt his fingers tingle and his chest release the weight it was clinging onto.

James kissed him back, gentle and coaxing, lips all soft and forgiving. It was like Alex was talking without words, meanings swimming between their skin as Alex held onto James’ sides, James’ own hands resting at Alex’s face.

Alex pulled away before long, James missed the contact immediately, feeling cold and heavy. Alex looked at him, eyebrows lifted as if he was asking - as if he was making sure he was okay.

“Maybe it is the same, then,” James whispered, fingers stroking along Alex’s jaw. The beaming smile he received in return made it worth it.

It wasn’t that he wasn’t scared - he was. It was that maybe he couldn’t keep ignoring reality. James didn’t know what it meant, any of it really, but he knew that Alex was here and his lips were soft and he really fucking wanted to kiss him again.

So he did, and maybe that was all it took.

**Author's Note:**

> hi thank u for reading i appreciate it a lot please comment and kudos if ur up for it i would love that im a needy bitch but thank u again i hope u enjoyed x


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